CBFD-The Gauntlet Games
by The OgeeBoogie Man
Summary: 10 characters go through sequenced games based off Conker's struggle, with bonus deathmatches and such. Hosted by King Bee. (up to part 5, chapter 1)


CBFD-The Gauntlet  
  
Picture this: Willow Woods is swept over by an epidemic. Not a flue. Not a disease. Not a bad habit. A desire. A desire to prove their fighting spirit against the strongest, smartest, bravest and keenest fighters in the land. The Gauntlet.  
  
Ten people are chosen. They must undergo trials. Tough, rigorous trials, starting easy at first, but gradually leading up to the improbable. They are allowed to select one weapon, which will be the only weapon that they can lay their hands on throughout the trials, until a switching period ensues.  
  
Some trials have them against each other. Others simply have them fighting other things. Some require for them to get a certain thing, like money or food or something. Others require them to search or get to a certain point. Some will even have them cooperation, though that cooperation may be simply to mask a hideous betrayal for self-gain.  
  
Hosted by Conker the King himself, The Gauntlet will keep track of the warrior's progress through a point system held by the royal throne. At the end of a series of rounds, the characters have a death-match. That match has a tremendous impact on the points system. After the many trials, the one with the most points, simply enough, wins.  
  
Gregg the Grim Reaper will use his magic to restore all deaths between matches. Expect madness, mayhem and most of all: carnage.  
  
---  
  
King bee: All right, ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to the first major installment of… The Gauntlet! I, your host, King Lafayette the bee, will now announce the entrants!  
  
Entrant number 1:  
  
Age: 21 years old  
  
Weight: 135 pounds  
  
Height: 5'2  
  
King Conker the Squirrel!  
  
(Main Windy theme plays, audience cheers loudly)  
  
Conker: Thank you, thank you. Charmed.  
  
King bee: Plagued by one of the worst days of his life, Conker has had innumerable fighting experience in the past. He's done many frightening feats, and to list them would take hours. I would say his advantages are his charm, skill and occasional kindness!  
  
Conker: Oh, you're too kind! Honestly!  
  
King bee: Entry number 2:  
  
Age: 23 years young  
  
Weight: 158 pounds  
  
Height: 7'4  
  
Berri the Chipmunk!  
  
(Matrix music plays, audience cheers and whistles)  
  
Berri: Let's bring it!  
  
King bee: A stubborn gray-blonde with amazing acrobatic skill and reflexes, Berri was shot by a deadly weasel mob boss moments before Conker became King. Now, back and deadlier than before, I predict her advantages will be her agility, poise and craftiness!  
  
Berri: You're like, totally right about that.  
  
King bee: Entry number 3:  
  
Age: 75 years dead  
  
Weight: 23 pounds  
  
Height: 4'9  
  
Gregg the Grim Reaper!  
  
(Death March plays, audience cheers, some scream)  
  
Gregg: Thank you, bloody pricks of Willow Woods.  
  
King bee: A pint-sized, sickle-wielding reaper, Gregg is the gatekeeper to Hell and the harbinger of extra lives. He hates cats, squirrels and other members of the undead community. I predict is advantages will be his small size, his comic nature and his stubborn attitude.  
  
Gregg: (sarcastically) oh, you're too kind. Yes, being a tiny bitch is a very good thing, isn't it?  
  
King bee: Entry number 4:  
  
Age: 38 years old  
  
Weight: 210 pounds  
  
Height: 5'8  
  
Don Weaselo the Mob Boss!  
  
(Eerie mob theme plays, audience is in shock, murmurs are heard)  
  
Don Weaselo: Dat's right, I'm back.  
  
King bee: This cash-hungry, powerful mob leader was the one who killed Berri. His stern words reflect his ruthless nature. He rewards greatly for success, but punishes horribly for failure. I predict his advantages will be his experience, ruthlessness and the fact that he answers to no one.  
  
Don Weaselo: You'd better believe it.  
  
King bee: Entry number 5:  
  
Age: 17 years old  
  
Weight: 95 pounds  
  
Height: 4'8  
  
Rodent the Squirrel!  
  
(Happy, game-introduction music plays, audience cheers and "awe's")  
  
Rodent: Thank you. I know I'm cute.  
  
King bee: A tiny, harmless-looking specimen who proves that sometimes, the greatest offence is a good defense. He is a squirrel engineer who manufactures his own special-issue protective garments. I predict his advantages will be his friendly attitude, creativity and strategic nature.  
  
Rodent: Well… gee, thanks!"  
  
King bee: Entry number 6:  
  
Age: 350 years dead-alive/who knows what  
  
Weight: 187 pounds  
  
Height: 6'4 w/o hair  
  
Count Batula the Vampire!  
  
(Batula's Mansion music plays, audience gasps)  
  
Batula: Right. I vill enjoy this.  
  
King bee: A creepy, bloodthirsty vampire that lives in a mansion on top of a hill surrounded by undead zombies and vicious skeletal worms. Able to eat the live, warm flesh of his victims, I predict Count Batula's advantages will be his wisdom, his deadly powers and his ability to transform!  
  
Batula: Prey. You are correct.  
  
King bee: Entry number 7:  
  
Age: 42  
  
Weight: 264 pounds  
  
Height: 6'1  
  
Sergeant Rico the Squirrel!  
  
(Dramatic post-war music plays, audience shouts chants his name)  
  
Rico: My country is indebted to me!  
  
King bee: A Sergeant in the squirrel army, who gives sketchy details and doesn't like his superiors. I predict his advantages will be his incredible strength, his tactical knowledge and his strict attitude.  
  
Rico: Well, uh, I'm glad you noticed.  
  
King bee: Entry number 8:  
  
Age: 23  
  
Weight: 176 pounds  
  
Height: 6'6  
  
Birdie the Scarecrow!  
  
(Silly drunk music plays, audience laughs and cheers)  
  
Birdie: Ah, er, um… Hello.  
  
King bee: A drunken scarecrow who sits daily upon his stalk, frightening away birds and other vermin that threaten his vegetable patch. Sobered up and ready to rumble, I predict Birdie's advantages will be his patience, his generous, reasonable attitude and his resistance to pain!  
  
Birdie: Real quick. Me beat you guys real quick.  
  
King bee: Entry number 9:  
  
Age: 65  
  
Weight: 122 pounds  
  
Height: 5'6 w/o chair  
  
Professor Weaselov the Mastermind!  
  
(Eerie war nostalgia music plays, audience gasps, some boo)  
  
Professor: Ve will now see who holds ze eternal duct tape!  
  
King bee: The brilliant mastermind of it all, Jenkins formulated two different plans that would've succeeded in taking the throne, had Conker not stopped him twice! I predict his advantages will be his cunning, technological brilliance and cool ability to float in his chair!  
  
Professor: Ah, vell, you tried.  
  
King bee: And finally, entry number 10:  
  
Age: 51  
  
Weight: 523 pounds  
  
Height: 8'2  
  
The Fairy Panther King!  
  
(Castle cutscene music plays, audience cheers, boos and gasps)  
  
Panther: Whom are you calling a fairy?  
  
King bee: (gulp) um, the Panther King was dethroned when Jenkins placed an alien embryo in his milk, resulting in the tragic explosion of his stomach. I predict his advantages will be his deadly physical strength, his iron grip on reality and his healthful supply of duct tape!  
  
Panther: Know this and bow down.  
  
---  
  
King bee: All right! Our next task is to select the weapons! A weapon that is powerful, versatile and easy to use is recommended. We have:  
  
A Dutch Ovens frying pan!  
  
A scythe of miscellaneous manufacture!  
  
Dual MC-5 submachine guns!  
  
An S16 assault rifle!  
  
A Louisville Slugger baseball bat!  
  
An authentic, Eastern-forged katana blade!  
  
A Rheinmetel Works 400 chainsaw!  
  
A cache of Ginsu kitchen knives!  
  
A bolt-action crossbow!  
  
An AJ-47 semi-auto rifle!  
  
A Stallion .44 custom-built magnum with scope!  
  
A WindWillow sniper rifle!  
  
A Scorcher-3000 flame-thrower!  
  
A Super Buckshot double-action shotgun!  
  
An F-43 Roundabout Tommygun!  
  
A Fierce Roller slingshot!  
  
An Ugga-made spear!  
  
A rock club!  
  
And finally, a B-300 Israeli Bazooka!  
  
What will you chose?  
  
Conker: Oh… oh-ho, you guys… (Takes the twin MC-5's)  
  
Berri: Hmm, this would look so good on me. (Takes the katana)  
  
Gregg: I regret ever… wait, hmm… (Ponders between the shotgun and scythe, eventually takes the shotgun) I guess I just don't want my little scythe to get hurt.  
  
Don Weaselo: Hmm, I wonder. (Takes the Tommygun)  
  
Rodent: Wow, I've never seen one of those before… (Takes the flame-thrower)  
  
Batula: Hmm, I thought I left you on my library bookcase. (Takes the crossbow)  
  
Rico: Well, I'll be damned. I haven't held one of these in years! (Takes the magnum)  
  
Birdie: Well, errs, um, col. (Takes the assault rifle)  
  
Professor: Ah, vat do ve have here? (Picks the bazooka)  
  
Panther: RRRGGHH, I wanted that. (Takes the sniper rifle)  
  
King bee: Great! Now that we've got our guns, let's get started!  
  
---  
  
(Reads note)  
  
Okay. You scores will be done by these four judges. They are Mr. Red, Mr. Blue, Mr. Green and Mr. Yellow, respectively. Red is the mind. His judgements are based on how smart you were at solving the problem. Blue is the body. He scores how you used your physical strengths to succeed. Green is the spirit. He grades how well you used your resources. And finally, yellow is the aftermath. His grade comes with solving the problem quickly, even if it's messily as well.  
  
First challenge, and the standings are, well… no points for anyone so far. Your goal is to get from the Bottom of Hangover Swamp to the top, across the bridge and into Wind Valley! First up, Conker!  
  
Conker leaps up the waterfall with ease. He meets the gargoyle at the top.  
  
Gargoyle: If you think you're going this way, think again.  
  
Conker: Ha. Um, look, would you mind letting me through?"  
  
Gargoyle: No, No. In fact, I've only just got comfy.  
  
Conker: All right then. (Pulls out the two MC-5's and shoots the gargoyle's arms until they fall off)  
  
Gargoyle: You little…  
  
Conker: Move, or the rest of you goes.  
  
Gargoyle: (Begrudgingly moves out of the way) I'll remember this…  
  
King bee: Well, that displayed rudeness, but he spared the sentry's life and got it done quickly.  
  
Judges?  
  
(Red weasel holds up a 5, Blue 7, Green 8, and Yellow 7)  
  
All right, and that adds up to… 27. Good job. Next!  
  
(Berri hops up the waterfall gracefully, the audience cheers whistles)  
  
Berri: S'cuse me, but do you think I could, like, get past?  
  
Gargoyle: What's in it for me?  
  
Berri: Well, I'll… tell everyone you're a sensitive guy?  
  
Gargoyle: (Sad look) You'd do that? For me? I just… don't… uh, all right. Umm, thanks. (Moves aside)  
  
King bee: Now that was simply an amazing display of kindness and perception. And no violence at all! And you did all those fancy moves up the waterfall! Judges?  
  
(Red-9, Blue-8, Green-8, Yellow-10)  
  
Wow! 35! Great work! Next!  
  
Don Weaselo gradually hoists himself up the cliff's ledges with difficulty. When he finally gets to the top, he rests a moment.  
  
Weaselo: Okay, wise guy, move your rear.  
  
Gargoyle: I don't suggest you talk to me that way if you want me to move.  
  
Weaselo: If ya don't move right now, well, I suggest you leave town.  
  
Gargoyle: Oh? And what if I don't?  
  
Weaselo: (Pulls out his Tommygun) I'll splinter yer ass.  
  
Gargoyle: (Remembering Conker's machine gun assault) Fine. (Moves aside)  
  
Weaselo: Smart move. Thank you very much.  
  
King bee: Great! You used you intimidation! And you did it without violence! Little out of shape, though.  
  
(Red-8, Blue-3, Green-9, Yellow-4)  
  
Okay, next!  
  
Gregg jumps up the mountain easily, then stands and faces the gargoyle.  
  
Gregg: Umm, excuse me.  
  
Gargoyle: (Looks at him) He, well, hehe. Hehehehehe.  
  
Gregg: What the bloody Hell is so funny?  
  
Gargoyle: (Bursts into uncontrolled laughter) Bwahahahahahahaha! What? Oh no! (Tumbles off the bridge into the abyss)  
  
Gregg: Very well then.  
  
King bee: That was most impressive! You didn't have to lift a finger!  
  
(Red-10, Blue-7, Green-9, Yellow-10)  
  
We have a victor so far at 36! Okay, next!  
  
Rodent toddles up the cliffs, very slowly, and after several minutes, manages to get to the gargoyle.  
  
Rodent: Hi!  
  
Gargoyle: Yes?  
  
Rodent: Um, could ya let me through, please?  
  
Gargoyle: Umm? And why should I?"  
  
Rodent: Well, uh, hoof! (Rodent rushes past the gargoyle and onto the other side)  
  
Gargoyle: Why you little!  
  
King bee: Well, it seems that smallness can be both a blessing and a hindrance. Judges?  
  
(Red-8, Blue-6, Green-4, Yellow-6)  
  
24. All right, if we could have a brief intermission just to, say, let everyone stretch a bit. We'll be back to the Gauntlet in 30.  
  
---  
  
King bee: Okay, we're back! And now, continuing event number 1, with Count Batula!  
  
Count Batula transforms into a bat and flies up to the top of the mountain. He swoops down and slams into the Gargoyle, knocking him into the pit.  
  
Batula: Prey. He deserved it.  
  
King bee; Well, that was… abrupt.  
  
(Red-7, Blue-10, Green-5, Yellow-8  
  
30! Good! Next!  
  
The Sarge steadily leaps up the mountain. He finally rests at the top, and walks up to the gargoyle.  
  
Sarge: Get your ass outta here pronto!  
  
Gargoyle: Funny, I'm not intimidated.  
  
Sarge: Fine, then. (Fires the magnum between the Gargoyle's eyes, gargoyle's head splits open)  
  
I don't know what I've been told…  
  
King bee: Well that certainly wasn't pretty. Judges?  
  
(Red-6, Blue-4, Green-9, Yellow-10)  
  
Good job. Next!  
  
Birdie tumbles up the mountain, falls off, then tumbles back up again. He walks up to the Gargoyle.  
  
Gargoyle: Yes?  
  
Birdie: Um, I'll give you err, say, ten dollars if you move.  
  
Gargoyle: You really believe I'm going to let you through that easily?"  
  
Birdie: Fine. (Takes out a beer, downs three bottles, then falls asleep)  
  
Gargoyle: Err.  
  
(Hours later, Birdie wakes up and walks right over the sleeping Gargoyle)  
  
King bee: (Waking up) Uh, um, were you guys awake? (Judges nod silently)  
  
(Red-6, Blue-2, Green-7, Yellow-1)  
  
Not too good, not at all. Next!  
  
Ze professor hovers quickly up to the Gargoyle.  
  
Gargoyle: If you think you're going this way, think again.  
  
Professor: Really? I have already thought plenty. (Hovers around the gargoyle, teasing and flying around his head)  
  
Gargoyle: Rrrgh! (Swipes at him several times, until ze Professor floats to the side. Impulsively, the Gargoyle jumps at him, right off the cliff's edge. Right before he hits the ground, professor pulls out his bazooka and shoots it at him, blowing him to pieces.  
  
Professor: End his suffering.  
  
King bee: Now that was amusing. Okay, Judges!  
  
(Red-9, Blue-8, Green-10, Yellow-10)  
  
37! You ought to be proud! Next!  
  
The Panther hoists his way up the mountain with graceful strides.  
  
Panther: Gargoyle! Move out of my way this instant!  
  
Gargoyle: You know, I'd love to, but, no.  
  
Panther: Do it! Now!  
  
Gargoyle: No.  
  
Panther: Rrrgh! (Lunges at the Gargoyle, who picks him up with one hand and tosses him off the side)  
  
King bee: Ha. That'll show him to mess with a two-ton rock.  
  
(Red-3, Blue-6, Green-2, Yellow-3)  
  
14. Lowest score yet. And since he died, that subtracts ten, making it 4. He'll need resurrection after the match.  
  
Well, I have the standings so far:  
  
Conker-27  
  
Berri-35  
  
Gregg-36  
  
Weaselo-24  
  
Rodent-24  
  
Batula-30  
  
Sarge-29  
  
Birdie-16  
  
Professor-37  
  
Panther-4  
  
We'll join our players later at our next round: Hive Search!  
  
---  
  
King bee: Okay! We're at our next and much more challenging round. Our objective is, this time, to locate the queen bee's nest, use it against the wasps, then make a hasty getaway. Because this is a much more difficult task, I will be assigning you into groups of two.  
  
Conker: (Snapping fingers) Me and Berri… me and Berri… me and Berri…  
  
King bee: First group: Berri and Birdie!  
  
Berri: Oh, no.  
  
Birdie: Um, err, okay.  
  
King bee: Second group: Gregg and Batula!  
  
Gregg: Well, it's been a while. How's it been for you in Hell?  
  
Batula: Ever since you commissioned me, I've been somewhat of a Kapo.  
  
King bee: Third group: Professor and Sarge!  
  
Sarge: What? Outing with the enemy?  
  
Professor: Oh, for ze love of Christ…  
  
King bee: Fourth group: Conker and Rodent!  
  
Conker: Well, he ought to be useful.  
  
Rodent: Gee, thanks!  
  
King bee: And last group: Panther and Weaselo!  
  
Weaselo: Back into your service, boss,  
  
Panther: Put a sock in it.  
  
King bee: We will start at the foot of Windy, and to find the nest, you will need to search for clues. Talking to Windy inhabitants may help or hurt you. Once found, you will have to bring it back to the wooden plank near the foot of the valley, where my wife will dissuade any followers or pursuers.  
  
Oh, and to add a final touch of madness, I'm sending you all in at the same time. The group to bring the hive in gets the standard point score from the judges, plus ten extras for the hive.  
  
And one more, lasting rule: You cannot use your weapons directly against each other. I. E, no shooting or attacking one another. You can, however, try to steal the person's hive and claim it for yourself.  
  
---  
  
King bee: Okay! On your mark, get set, go!  
  
(The gangs run off to different directions, making observations and speculations every step of the way)  
  
Conker: Wait, I remember where it is.  
  
Rodent: You do? Where?  
  
Conker: It's at the end of the "Nasty" path, inside of the Wasp's nest!  
  
Rodent: Let's go!  
  
---  
  
Berri: Okay, like, where would these so-called wasps put a hive?  
  
Birdie: Why don't we, err, check that dirt mound over there and, say, err, ask those red beetles?"  
  
Berri: Well, it's a start.  
  
(They walk into the center clearing with the "B" pad, then proceed up the hill)  
  
Beetle #1: Alright, who's this?  
  
Beetle #2: Looks like one of them, err, chipmunks. And with a scarecrow. Sheesh, I wonder what was in that ball of shite!  
  
Beetle #1: Let's kick the shit out of 'em!  
  
Beetle #2: Sure!  
  
(The beetles dive toward Berri and Birdie)  
  
Birdie: It's sure getting cloudy out…  
  
Berri: Look out! (Beetles crash into them, flattening them out. Berri strengthens out and draws her sword, but it is too late and they are knocked back down the hill)  
  
Beetle #1: I'm gonna kick the shit out of this bastard!  
  
Birdie: Pests. (Pulls out his rifle, and shoots the lead beetle three times, splattering him into pieces. Beetles 3 and 4 join the fray)  
  
Berri: Let's lose these morons! (Slices a beetle leg off)  
  
---  
  
Gregg: Why don't we check that bloody windmill?  
  
Batula: Hmm? Zat might work. (Walks up with Gregg, bony worm pops up and grabs Batula)  
  
Oh, shit. I have no control over these vorms. They are alive.  
  
Gregg: No bloody problem. (Blasts the worm apart with his shotgun)  
  
Batula: The ones guarding my mansion are invulnerable to shotgun blasts. Oh vell. (Walks up the rest of the way, Gregg blasting all the worms that surface until they meet Mr. Barrel)  
  
Barrel: Hey, do you two wanna go for a ride?  
  
Gregg: Maybe if you tell me where that sodding hive is.  
  
Barrel: Alright. But it'll cost ya. (Gregg and Batula point weapons at him)  
  
Okay. Fine. It's inside that huge nest over there. Now if you'll excuse me… (Rolls at them, crushing them both flat)  
  
Batula: Oh, shit.  
  
Greg: Bloody Hell.  
  
---  
  
Weaselo: (Checking riverbed) Nope, sorry boss. Nothing's here.  
  
Panther: Okay. Hey, wait. What are those? (Pointing to attacking imps)  
  
Weaselo: Get down! (Stitches the imp's armor with tommygun bullets, blowing him back)  
  
Imps: Meek. (Fling themselves at Weaselo, knocking him back several feet)  
  
Panther: I'll take care of them. (Aims his sniper rifle at an imp's head, and blows it open)  
  
Weaselo: Look out! (Imp knocks Panther King into the water)  
  
Panther: I hate water! RRRGGGHH! (Jumps out and lunges at the imp)  
  
Weaselo: You're a dead mother ****er. (Tears at the imp until his armor is ground off)  
  
Panther: Thank you. (Grabs the imp and bites his head off)  
  
---  
  
Sarge: So, where should we search first?  
  
Professor: Quiet! Where is zat squirrel bastard going? I suggest zat ve follow him.  
  
Sarge: Okay, then! (Trudges behind)  
  
---  
  
Conker: Ah, here we are! (Tries to walk in, but gets knocked over by the giant green wasp larva)  
  
Larva: Ugh! (Pulls back in)  
  
Conker: Son of a… did you see that?  
  
Rodent: Here, why don't I get whacked, and you shoot him before he disappears?  
  
Conker: Good idea! (Rodent curls up, rolls into the hole, and the larva butts him out)  
  
Now! (Conker sprays the larva with bullets, tearing him up)  
  
Conker: Well, what do you know! Thanks!  
  
Rodent: No problem! (Walks in behind Conker)  
  
Conker: I've been here before. There it is, right up the path!  
  
Rodent: That was easy! (Proceeds with Conker to the gun)  
  
What do we do now?  
  
Conker: Just you wait and see. Push this button here, turn that switch, ah. (Hive opens up into the turret gun, wasps pour out of the walls)  
  
Rodent: Cool! Hey, wait! What do I do?  
  
Conker: Well, you can button up into that suit of yours or you can help me chunk these wasps!  
  
Rodent: Okay! I wanna use my flame-thrower anyway! (Sprays flame at the wasps to keep them at bay, while Conker tears them up)  
  
Conker: This is just too easy!  
  
---  
  
Professor: (Walking into the hive) Ah! There he is! And look, he's taking care of ze wasps for us! (Looks at Sarge) You're strong! We'll just wait here, and you can grab it from him when he comes down!  
  
Sarge: Got it! (Wasps notice them, and some head their way)  
  
Professor: Oh, shit! Fire at them, I say! (Fires bazooka, while Sarge plugs away with his magnum)  
  
---  
  
Conker: Okay, I think that's the last of 'em! Let's leg it!  
  
Rodent: We're gonna win! (wasp trio comes out)  
  
Wanka: Hey! Those wise guys are trying to steal our nice new hive!  
  
Thin wasp: Should we get them?  
  
Fat wasp: Yeah! Let's get him… uh… them. (Thin wasp swoops down and steal's Rodent's flame-thrower, while Conker grabs the hive and runs)  
  
Professor: Okay, now is your… holy crap! I'll get ze wasps! You grab ze hive! (Professor aims bazooka, then fires, narrowly missing the wasps. Sarge grabs Conker, throws him off the side then picks up the hive)  
  
Sarge: Let's get out of here! (The three of them run out, wasps still chasing)  
  
---  
  
Panther: Hey! There they are! Get them! (Weaselo fires rapidly at the wasps, missing all the time and then accidentally shooting Sarge in the leg)  
  
Sarge: Ouch! You broke the rules! (Stumbles off to the side, 3 wasps catch up to him and face him off)  
  
Woah! (Throws it to the professor, when out of nowhere, Berri jumps in and catches it)  
  
Berri: Oh, yeah! Like, totally!  
  
Professor: Oh, shit. You're dead! (Flies at Berri and trips her with his claw, the hive flies off and lands in the hands of… Gregg!)  
  
Gregg: Bloody bastards! (Runs toward the plank, when he crashes into Panther, waiting there)  
  
Panther: (Ripping it out of Gregg's hand) Give me that!  
  
Weaselo: Hehe. Way to go, boss. Only a few more feet to go!  
  
Professor: Oh no, you don't! (Pulls out bazooka and shoots honey patch in front of him. Molten honey erupts all over the Panther King, scorching him and sticking him in place)  
  
Panther: Ah! Damnit! (Drops hive, Weaselo and professor head for it at the same time, grabbing it and fighting back and forth. Finally, Weaselo yanks hard and it goes flying right toward the plank, into the waiting hands of…)  
  
Birdie: Tada! (Places it onto the plank)  
  
King bee: And the winners are… Berri and Birdie!  
  
Berri: Way to go!  
  
King bee: All right, now we'll tally up those scores.  
  
Conker's group (Red-9, Blue-5, Green-6, Yellow-10)  
  
30! Oh, but Conker drowned in the wasp's honey, so that subtracts 10. He'll need resurrection. That makes 20.  
  
Berri's group (Red-4, Bkue-9, Green-7, Yellow-3)  
  
That makes 23, plus 10 because of the hive, making it 33!  
  
Gregg's group (Red-7, Blue-5, Green-6, Yellow-9)  
  
That makes 26!  
  
Panther's group (Red-5, Blue-7, Green-8, Yellow-8)  
  
That makes 28! Oh, but Weaselo broke the rules. We'll subtract five. That brings us to 23.  
  
And finally, the Professor's group (Red-8, Blue-9, Green-10, Yellow-4)  
  
That totals 31.  
  
Standings!  
  
Conker-47  
  
Berri-68  
  
Gregg-62  
  
Weaselo-47  
  
Rodent-44  
  
Batula-56  
  
Sarge-60  
  
Birdie-49  
  
Professor-68  
  
Panther-27  
  
Our next destination will be a little clearing behind Poo Cabin, where we will have our Bullfight!  
  
---  
  
King bee: All right! This round will test not only your deceptive skills, but it will help feed the beetles of Poo Mountain as well. Your job at hand is to figure out a way to fill the grate in the center with poo.  
  
Your materials are:  
  
1 angry Bull  
  
3 targets  
  
3 cows, each in their own shed  
  
I slow, constant stream of poo dropping from the grate up the stairs  
  
1 massive, pulley-activated prune juice drain  
  
So, test your wits one at a time. Go!  
  
---  
  
Conker: All right, this should be easy. (Hops up the ledge, walks to the center of the drain, then runs, gradually turning it open. The prune juice spills out)  
  
Now, we'll just mount this guy. (Falls into the sludge water, then approaches the bull)  
  
Buggerluggs: I don't like red!  
  
Conker: Yep, I know. (The bull charges at him, and Conker mounts the bull, steering him skillfully at all of the targets one by one. The bull finally throws him off)  
  
Buggerluggs: 'Grunt' (Runs at Conker, bashing him into the water)  
  
Conker: Oww! (Notices the three cows walking out)  
  
Hey, would you ladies like to try this lovely prune juice?  
  
Daisy: I don't know, I'm kind of hungry right now.  
  
Conker: (Pulls out his machine guns) I suggest you do that right now, or that bull will be your last worry.  
  
Daisy: All right! Rude little bugger…  
  
Conker: (Points his guns at Olive and Mavis)  
  
You too. (The three of them walk over to the prune juice, gulp some down and then sit there)  
  
Olive: (fart) Oh, excuse me!  
  
Conker: Here comes the Poo. (Three cows moan in pain, then run over to the grate and let loose their burden)  
  
King bee: Well, that was quick! All right, judges?  
  
(Red-9, Blue-7, Green-10, Yellow-8)  
  
34! That'll help get you back up top! And you filled the sewer! 10 extra points. Now it's 44.  
  
Berri: Pee-eww. It stinks! (Walks up to Buggerluggs) Excuse me, I like, know this is going to sound disgusting. But, could you please crap in that grate in the middle?  
  
Buggerluggs: Why, you rude little… (Buggerluggs charges at Berri, then Berri jumps out of the way. Buggerluggs stops in the center)  
  
Why am I so fat…? (The metal grate collapses, Buggerluggs falls in)  
  
King bee: That was quick, but the beetles are going to be very angry when they open their trays to a fat bull. Judges?  
  
(Red-4, Blue-8, Green-5, Yellow-7)  
  
24, and not an ounce of poo. Next!  
  
Gregg: Oh, bloody heck. (Looks up at falling poo) I suppose I have to get my hands dirty for this one. (Walks over to the poo pile, and rolls a ball onto the grate. It sinks in)  
  
Well, that works. (Repeats over and over until he's too tired to go on)  
  
King bee: That was creative! Judges?  
  
(Red-8, Blue-7, Green-8, Yellow-4)  
  
That makes 27. And you filled some of the sewer, so I would say… 5 extra points for 32. Next!  
  
Weaselo: This is just disgusting. I can't believe I'm doing this. (Walks over to Buggerluggs) Hey, you!  
  
Buggerluggs: Yes? You're not… red. Good.  
  
Weaselo: Nope. Could you, err, help me find some poo? I know dis isn't the kind of question to ask a respectful citizen.  
  
Buggerluggs: Well, you seem like a nice sort of guy. So I think I'll, well, take care of that problem for you. (Trots over to the grate) Ah. That feels so good.  
  
Weaselo: Ugh.  
  
King bee: Well, that was an amazing display of unusual politeness from you.  
  
(Red-10, Blue-6, Green-6, Yellow-7)  
  
That makes 29, plus a little bit of poo… perhaps 3 points worth. 32 for you! Next!  
  
Rodent: (Walks over to the poo sludge around the grassy sides) Okay, Now to get this over there. Hmm… (Takes his hat off, then looks into it) Oh, no, I… I guess I'll have to. (Dunks it into the poo, then carries it over to the grate and spills it in. Repeats until he's even more tired than Gregg)  
  
King bee: Using your resource, that's smart!  
  
(Red-8, Blue-8, Green-7, Yellow-7)  
  
Good Job! And you filled the sewer a bit. I'd say, err, 5 extra points. 35 total. Next!  
  
Batula: Ah, shit. It's… shit. Hmm… (pulls out his crossbow and shoots Buggerluggs in the rear)  
  
Buggerluggs: Oww! Huh? (Looks at Batula's red robe) I don't like red! (Charges at him, knocking him into the wall.  
  
Batula: Crap. I really hate to do this. Ah, but I have no choice. (Transforms into a bat, the swoops down onto Buggerluggs and bite his back, sucking away all his blood and guts)  
  
Delicious. (Flies up to the prune juice pipe, grabs the handle, then flies around it, pulling until the prune juice dumps out)  
  
Here goes nothing. (Drinks the prune juice until he's triples in size) Oh no. Oh God! Prey, holy shit! (Waddles over to the grate, then dumps gallons in it until he's empty)  
  
King bee: Now that was an impressive way to take it into your own hands!  
  
(Red-10, Blue-10, Green-9, Yellow-6)  
  
And that equals… 35! Wow! And if I should add 8 points for a nearly filled sewer, we get 43! Next!  
  
Sarge: This is the most undignified work I'd ever done! (Repeats Rodent's routine, except his larger helmet and greater stamina get him more poo in the end)  
  
King bee: Well, not the most original, but rather efficient. Judges?  
  
(Red-8, Blue-8, Green-7, Yellow-6)  
  
Okay! That's 29, plus 8 poo points. 37, great! Next!  
  
Birdie: (Walks over to the bull) Em, excuse me, I'll give you ten dollars if you… uh… do something for me.  
  
Buggerluggs: What would that be?  
  
Birdie: Could you, uh, smash those targets for me? You see, I'm not quite as, err, not quite as strong. And you, you look like the kind of guy who could handle that job.  
  
Buggerluggs: Well, I'm most flattered. Okay. (Smashes in all the targets, the cows pop out)  
  
Birdie: Thanks. (Looks at cows grazing) Hmm, it looks like it might be a while before they have to poo. (Pulls out 3 beers downs them, and falls asleep for about an hour, wakes up)  
  
Ah. Err… where am I again? Oh, yeah. The poo thing. (Looks over at the cows) Have you gone yet?  
  
Daisy: Gone where?  
  
Birdie: To crap in the vent!  
  
Mavis: Oh, sir that was about 20 minutes ago.  
  
King bee: Birdie. Always one to take his time. Judges?  
  
(Red-7, Blue-3, Green-7, Yellow-1)  
  
Okay, that makes 18. Plus a full sewer! 28 points for you! Next!  
  
Professor: This should be simple. (Floats up to prune juice duct, spins and releases it)  
  
Okay, now we hit ze targets. (Pulls out Bazooka and shoots each of the three targets, releasing the cows)  
  
Now, ve must distract them from eating. (Hovers over to the cows) Excuse me, could you drink some of that prune juice over there?  
  
Olive: Why? I'm hungry.  
  
Professor: Well, you see, I am a famous professor. And I have just filled that tank over there with the latest weight loss solution. You will look just as thin and lean as you did as a calf.  
  
Mavis: Really?  
  
Professor: Yes. I guarantee it. It is a free sample, compliment of ze… Willow Woods Weight Loss Clinic.  
  
Daisy: Well, I don't appreciate the fact that you think I need it, but I am having trouble keeping off those extra pounds. Thank you! (Walks over with Mavis and Olive)  
  
Buggerluggs: Hey! I could use some of that! (Joins them)  
  
Professor: This is not going to be pretty… (The three cows and Buggerluggs scramble over to the grate, sitting on the sides to make enough room and Buggerluggs doesn't fall in)  
  
King bee: A stroke of genius!  
  
(Red-10, Blue-7, Green-10, Yellow-8)  
  
That makes 35. And you filled it with so much poo it's overflowing! I'll give you 12 poo points, totaling 47. Next!  
  
Panther: Hmm… (Walks over to Buggerluggs) Excuse me, but I need some…  
  
Buggerluggs: I hate red! And that includes robes and silks! (Runs at Panther, but Panther jumps onto his back and claws his neck)  
  
Buggerluggs: Ah! Crap! (Bucks him off, then runs at him, but Panther jumps out of the way again and Buggerluggs lands in the poo on the other side)  
  
AAAAAHHHHHH! (He charges incredibly hard, digging a trench from the poo lake to the center grate. The poo then flows down the trench into the lake, overflowing it again)  
  
King bee: Marvelous! Judges?  
  
(Red-8, Blue-9, Green-7, Yellow-5)  
  
That makes 29, plus 12 poo points. You have 41! Congrats!  
  
Now, we total them up yet again! Let's see…  
  
Conker-91  
  
Berri-92  
  
Gregg-94  
  
Weaselo-79  
  
Rodent-79  
  
Batula-99  
  
Sarge-97  
  
Birdie-77  
  
Professor-107  
  
Panther-68  
  
Join us later in our first BONUS ROUND: The Death-Match!  
  
---  
  
King bee: Okay! This is a bonus round. It will severely change around the points, and will leave a great standing impact on the final outcome.  
  
You will use your chosen weapon, and we will fight at the Colors arena. The rules are as follows:  
  
Kills: 10 points each.  
  
Deaths: -5 points each.  
  
Suicides: -10 points each.  
  
You each get five lives, and the last person standing gets another twenty- five points. Will it be worth it, going out to get points for kills, or will you simply cower and be the one to collect the victory bonus? I wish you all good luck, and happy hunting.  
  
---  
  
Conker: (in the bottom floor of the Tedi base) Okay, I'm gonna kill somethin' tonight!  
  
Sarge: (in the upper part, holds a grenade for a second, clicking noise is heard)  
  
Conker: (Walks up, sees Sarge, shoots at him with Uzi's) Die! This is for drafting me the first time!  
  
Sarge: Uh-oh! (Throws grenade, Conker catches it right as it explodes and is blown to bits)  
  
Hehehehehehe.  
  
Berri: (Sneaks into main room with katana, jumps and slashes Sarge repeatedly)  
  
Sarge: Oh, shit! (Grabs and throws her off, pulls out his magnum)  
  
Berri: Oh, no you don't! (Runs him through at the neck, killing him) Ha. Crouching loser, hidden chipmunk!  
  
---  
  
Batula: (lines up arrow sight with Panther king's head in the sniper tower) Ah. The crossbow, ze silent threat. (Lets loose the arrow, hits Panther straight between the eyes)  
  
Their ve go. Chalk one up for ze royalty. (turns sight to see Rodent right in his face)  
  
Oh, shit…  
  
Rodent: (Fires a huge blast of flame, holding it while Batula tries to roll and put it out)  
  
Batula: It burns! Ahhh! (Slowly incinerates)  
  
Rodent: All right! (A bazooka round flies into the tower and blows him up)  
  
Professor: All right!  
  
---  
  
Birdie: (In the field, firing repeatedly at Gregg, missing all the time) Die! Die! Die  
  
Gregg: Bloody bastard! (Jumps at him, Birdie hits him twice) Ah!  
  
Birdie: Now to… um, err, finish you off… (shoots Gregg in the head, killing him)  
  
Yay! (Bullets rain around him)  
  
Weaselo: (In the turret gun) Eat this, mother ****er! (Hits Birdie seven times, killing him)  
  
---  
  
Conker: (Jumps up to Tediz turret gun, sees Weaselo inside) This is for Berri!  
  
Weaselo: (Slowly turning) No you won't… (Is splattered by the machine guns in mid-turn)  
  
Conker: Yea-ha! Another for me! (Panther comes out of sniping room, shoots Conker's gun out of his hand)  
  
Panther: I don't need you anymore… I've discovered TUMS… (Jumps at Conker, then misses a claw swipe. Turns to face Professor floating upstairs with the bazooka)  
  
Professor: Surprise, my liege! (Fires point blank, they both blow up)  
  
---  
  
Berri: (jumping at Batula with sword, Batula is on bridge)  
  
Batula: Ah-ha! (Turns into a bat, flies up)  
  
Berri: You cheater! You're like, totally pathetic!  
  
Batula: Talk to ze dirt. (Flaps his wings and blows her off the bridge, she lands on the ground and drops her sword)  
  
Berri: Uh… (Dashes towards sword, but Batula swoops down and grabs her leg)  
  
Batula: Oh, no you don't… (Brings his fangs down on her and sucks her dry)  
  
Mm, familiar… yes, I think you are my father's brother's cousin's nephew's sister's uncle's former roommate.  
  
Gregg: (Walks up to him) what the bloody Hell does that make you two? (Pulls out shotgun)  
  
Batula: Absolutely nothing. (Tries to fly, but is too heavy, Gregg shoots him)  
  
Gregg: Stupid analogy. (Shoots him point blank in the head, killing him)  
  
---  
  
Birdie: (In field fighting Rodent) I've got you now! (Fires several shots, pinging off Rodent's armor)  
  
Rodent: You can't get me!  
  
Birdie: (Walks over to Rodent, takes his helmet off) I'll just splatter your head.  
  
Rodent: (Pops out and shoots Birdie with flame-thrower)  
  
Birdie: Oh, crap… (Flames spread on straw, and suddenly his body is blown apart)  
  
Sarge: (Holding smoking magnum in trench) I don't know what I've been told! Do-do-do-do-do-do-do!  
  
Rodent: Gee, thanks!  
  
Sarge: You're welcome, but sorry little buddy, your time's up!  
  
Weaselo: (Looks in trench and sprays Sarge with tommygun bullets) I'm doing good today! Hey, shrimp! You're next!  
  
Rodent: Nope. You see if somebody shoots me, I don't die!  
  
Weaselo: But you've lost your helmet.  
  
Rodent: Uh, look! (Points behind Weaselo, Weaselo looks and Rodent ducks behind bridge wall)  
  
Weaselo: Damnit.  
  
---  
  
Panther: (In sniper tower, catching Conker walking down the stone path towards the Tediz base)  
  
You again… (Fires, hitting Conker in the arm) Ha. I will now get my revenge… (Conker is hit by a bazooka shot) Rrrgh… Professor! (aims at him on the cement below)  
  
Professor: Huh? (Looks up, sees Panther) Another kill for ze true power behind the throne! (fires at Panther, narrowly missing, but hitting him with the blast) Let us see if cats always land on their feet. (Bazooka jams) What? ****!  
  
Panther: Sniveling weed. (Aims at professor's head, hits booster on the bottom of his chair)  
  
Professor: Vat? Ahhh! (Spins, flips then doubles over into the pit next to the stone path)  
  
Panther: Drop goes the weasel.  
  
---  
  
(30 minutes later)  
  
King bee: Okay! The kills are in, and the last one alive is Rodent!  
  
Rodent: Sweet! Sweet sweet sweet sweet sweet sweet sweet!  
  
King bee: That adds fifteen points to your total! The table of kills is as follows!  
  
--------Conker | Berri | Gregg | Weaselo | Rodent | Batula | Sarge | Birdie | Professor | Panther  
  
Conker ---X--- ---1--- ---0--- ---2--- ---0--- ---1--- ---0--- ---0--- ---0- -- ---1---  
  
Berri ---1--- ---X--- ---0--- ---1--- ---1--- ---0--- ---1--- ---2--- ---0-- - ---0---  
  
Gregg ---1--- ---1--- ---X--- ---0--- ---0--- ---1--- ---0--- ---1--- ---0-- - ---1---  
  
Weaselo ---0--- ---2--- ---0--- ---X--- ---1--- ---1--- ---1--- ---2--- --- 1--- ---0---  
  
Rodent ---0--- ---0--- ---0--- ---0--- ---X--- ---1--- ---0--- ---0--- ---0- -- ---0---  
  
Batula ---0--- ---1--- ---0--- ---1--- ---0--- ---X--- ---0--- ---0--- ---0- -- ---1  
  
Sarge ---2--- ---0--- ---1--- ---1--- ---0--- ---0--- ---X--- ---0--- ---1-- - ---1  
  
Birdie ---0--- ---0--- ---1--- ---0--- ---0--- ---0--- ---0--- ---X--- ---1- -- ---0---  
  
Professor ---1--- ---0--- ---2--- ---0--- ---2--- ---1--- ---1--- ---0--- -- -x1x--- ---1---  
  
Panther ---0--- ---0--- ---1--- ---0--- ---1--- ---0--- ---2--- ---0--- --- 1--- ---X---  
  
King bee: We'll tally up the points earned and lost!  
  
Conker: 50-25=25  
  
Berri: 60-25=35  
  
Gregg: 50-25=25  
  
Weaselo: 80-25=55  
  
Rodent: 10-20+25=15  
  
Batula: 30-25=5  
  
Sarge: 60-25=35  
  
Birdie: 20-25=-5  
  
Professor: 80-30=50  
  
Panther: 50-25=25  
  
Okay! Here is where you all stand!  
  
Point total:  
  
Conker: 116  
  
Berri: 139  
  
Gregg: 119  
  
Weaselo: 134  
  
Rodent: 94  
  
Batula: 104  
  
Sarge: 132  
  
Birdie: 72  
  
Professor: 157  
  
Panther: 93  
  
Right now, we're through with part one! We're through Windy! Join us in our next event, the Barn Boys Scavenger Hunt!  
  
---  
  
King bee: Hey it's me again! And this is our Event Chart, which will hopefully give you a taste of what's coming. Oh, and if it's at all possible, try not to tell the contestants, okay?  
  
Gargoyle pass COMPLETE  
  
Hive search COMPLETE  
  
Bullfight COMPLETE  
  
*Bonus death-match round* COMPLETE  
  
Cheese/tickle bee scavenger hunt  
  
Hay-bot hassle  
  
*Bonus Beach scenario*  
  
Cog hunt  
  
Underwater maze co-op  
  
Boiler brawl  
  
Bull-fish race  
  
*Bonus Raptor egg relay*  
  
War on the poo co-op  
  
Smuggler's pass  
  
*Bonus Heist riches*  
  
Bomb run fright  
  
Jet-board jinks  
  
Ugga waves  
  
Buga battle  
  
*Bonus Colors siding*  
  
Zombie waves  
  
French villager frenzy  
  
Terror lock-in co-op  
  
*Bonus Tank fight*  
  
Base infiltration #1  
  
Tediz soldier waves  
  
Base infiltration #2  
  
Tediz waves: Ultra  
  
Experiment co-op clash  
  
*Bonus jet board race*  
  
Base escape  
  
Heist scramble  
  
Alien attack  
  
*Bonus death-match Ultra*  
  
---  
  
The OgeeBoogie man: Please tell me how you like these speculation-type fictions. Review, please, and only constructive flames allowed. 


End file.
